second entry

How many days since my last post?  hmmmm

It seems pointless always to write as a daily journal...my thoughts are always filled with the same questions/worries/hopes etc......I want to have a story in my head that brings me some comfort.  If I have my own perspective..if it doesn't matter what someone else's is because it's bound to be different anyway..why not create the one I want?

I want to have a story..that is told with hindsight....from my perspective today.  I realize that things may change based on what happens in the future- but it would help me to chronicle my life as I see it today. 

Hindsight is supposed to bring wisdom.  I don't know about that...I feel like I am filled with regrets...until I am reminded of the saying "remember that the regrets you have today are about things that were exactly as you wanted then..."

I think I forget the "exactly as you wanted" part.  For that memory to hold in the same state as that time, I would need to feel the same emotions.....emotions that I no longer feel.  So, I forget.  It is only when I am quiet and think, can I bring to mind the emotions that drove my decisions.

How come when I think about my parents I don't feel the pain I get when I think about Jen?  What feelings did she provide me that they didn't?  Simply ones of pleasure due to boosts to my ego?  The last days I was with her, I stood in rooms with her knowing that I needed to let her go.  I was in her presence and no longer felt the strong desire to spend time with her.  The things she talked about, the people she chose to spend time with, etc....I felt no similarities.  She was who she was...had her interests....I had spent ten years with her watching her figure out what those interests were.  I know she had watched me for ten years...had learned a tremendous amount from me...and I guess the truth is that I could no longer teach her anything.  At least nothing positive.  Only more pain.

I looked at her and only felt the loss of my children and the pain I had caused their dad.  I thought of this wonderful man who has only loved and cared for me for over 2 decades.  The criticism I used to feel from him was nothing compared to what I had been living with....I was seeing better that the criticism I felt from R all those years ago was really me criticizing myself.  R didn't call me names...R didn't throw me under busses.....R didn't take my most sensitive weaknesses and throw them in my face.  R wanted only for me to be happy.  Even if it meant losing me.

I realized that I was never going to make Jen happy.  If I ever did again, they would only be fleeting moments.  The logical part of my brain saw things clearly:  recognized both mine and Jen's limitations and capabilities.  I was never going to be able to give her what she wants.  She would never give me what I wanted.  I saw all of our struggles from the past now reappearing and having to be dealt with all over again....and with no trust between us.  I used to spend all my energy fighting her distrust of me......why hadn't I recognized that I had no trust for her?  I had no trust for the person I was sharing a life with, I knew that she would hurt me any time she felt hurt...regardless of my non-intent.  Sometimes Jen would have such clarity about herself...she would recognize her weaknesses..identify them and apologize.  But only to repeat the behaviors over and over.  And add layer upon layer to our combined misery.

I loved so much those moments of shared vulnerabilities that they drove my thinking regarding anything else.  In fact now I wonder if she really understood me at all.....or only mirrored me.  Or maybe I simply projected onto her?  I refused to believe we had different brains.  I refused to believe the differences that were always in front of me.  I thought I knew best for her......maybe I didn't at all.  Maybe even if I did know what was best.....if she didn't agree...what good was it?

I want to write my story to make it worthwhile.  I want this last chapter of my life to MEAN something.  I can't let it be a waste.  Have I learned anything from those years?  If I have...and I do believe I have....why do I keep forgetting the lessons?  Why do I need to constantly reread the text?

It's as if I can't retain any of it.  Or I only remember it when I am in good mood, good space...as soon as my mood gets low, I think and recall incorrectly and it must be due to a need for improved feeling...a boost...the kind of mood booster the relationship periodically gave me.......giving it the addictive quality.  I hate to make it sound so crass...but the relationship became a kind of drug for me....and it was the occassional "high" that kept me in something that had been quite negative for some time.

What was that boost?  Can it be recreated for me in some other way today?